The First Born's Rant

If you are not a first born child, you get to complain about how you got  beaten, bullied and psychologically tortured while growing up or how you had to make do with second hand books and clothes. Until now, this and other similar sob stories have been empathized and sympathized toward within various social circles. They have even provided comic material to many a stand up act. But today my little cry baby, you get your comeuppance.

You see, when I was born, mom and dad had no clue as to how to raise a child. Sure, they read books and consulted doctors before I showed up. But as a new parent myself, I know how much help that is. In every day and age, parents are clueless, when it comes to raising children. And don’t even consider talking about having help from our grandparents. Do you seriously believe that grandma remembered how she bathed and fed her own children some thirty odd years ago? The net of it was that I ended being mom and dad’s little experiment in raising a child.  One week into this world, I got such a vicious diaper rash that the color of my tush would have been the envy of a  male baboon in his prime.  That is when mom and dad learned that some babies poop more frequently than others. And as such, parents need to figure out their kid’s pace of defecation, to determine the optimal diaper changing interval. So, by the time you came around, they knew and remembered enough to ensure you never got a diaper rash.  Effectively, I almost got my ass handed to myself in the first week of my existence,  just so that you could enjoy a rash-free infanthood.  How do I know this? I found and read mom’s diary from those days you dummy! If you really think about it, this altruistic pattern of me making the path easier for you, started even earlier than that. It started with the birth process itself.  It is now a well known medical fact that the first labor is the hardest and the longest.  Once the mother’s body has had one experience with labor and child birth, it performs much better during subsequent birthing events, resulting in shorter labors i.e. less work for subsequent babies during birth. So you see, in a way I fought through the birth canal harder and longer, just so that it would be a little easier for you, oh brother or sister of mine!

This pattern continued into our toddler years as well. Remember the day when you were about to take a bite out of that poisonous snail in the backyard? If I had not stopped you, you could have died that day. Now, I am not sure if that snail was poisonous, but neither were you. And  I know you would not risk eating that snail today! So, in a way, I saved your life on that occasion. Then from potty training to eating solid foods and from preschool to high school, I continued to train mom and dad on how to be good parents, just so that you could benefit from it. Some bullying, an occasional thrashing, a few used books and clothes are a small price to pay for such privilege, don’t you think? And regardless of whether I succeeded or failed at something, I was always a role model for you. I was a positive role model for you in my success (something to emulate, which you did a lot and shamelessly I might add!) and a negative one (something to avoid) in my failure (I can hardly remember any instances of failure though). Basically, you had it made just by being born a few years after me.  By the time I was sixteen,  I had helped you in so many ways, I could easily have qualified for Sainthood, had mom and dad been Catholics.

Now, you will perhaps understand why mom loves me more than she loves you. I grant you this much... You were right in suspecting that  from very early on. Oh! and you are very welcome you whiny, ungrateful little piece of $%@!

Yours truly,
Big Brother or Big Sister. 


  1. So True... As a first born myself I totally agree with you!!

    Ahh!! the things we first borns do to make the subsequent siblings life so easy!!

    Rupe's World...

  2. "the color of my tush would have been the envy of a male baboon in his prime" -- ha ha, funny!

  3. Opened this site after a while. You did not disappoint. I am a sandwich kid, you see. Got some thrashing from big ones and thrashed young ones. In the end, all is neutral.

  4. @Muni, thanks for stopping by. Looks like being the middle kid helped you build the "even Steven" attitude. :)